i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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