i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
That reminds me...we need to get swords
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
