The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
