Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
