Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
