Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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