I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
