Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
