shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
