I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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