I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
