I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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