You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
