Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Enjoy the penises
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
