im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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