so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
