I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
