We won't sleep together?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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