I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
