From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
