i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
