Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Someone signed my nipple.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
