I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
