I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
