The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
