I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
