I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
