so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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