Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if only i could text you this smell
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
