I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
