Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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