Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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