Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
