She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
