just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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