Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
