Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
