Rock
Scissors
Fuck
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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