I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
