My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
