I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
