I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
