She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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