On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
