I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
