Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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