Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
