I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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