it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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