i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
