i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
